Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life #GuestPost

A brand new year presents many opportunities to help our children with the challenges that come their way. One of the things we may not think about is the importance of continually growing and making changes in our lives as individuals. Our children learn by watching us. In fact, most children talk about their own New Year's resolutions by watching and listening to their parents as they discuss their personal resolutions. Mentoring for our children that change is difficult, but not insurmountable, is best done with actions, not words. Reminding your children that self-talk such as, "can't" or "it's too difficult," can be overcome by saying new and stronger self-talk such as, "I can do this" and "I will make these changes."

If you are trying to make changes, no matter what area they are in, the first work you have to do is clear your mind of the "I cant's."  To help you get rid of the old thoughts that keep you stuck in the rut of can't, try these tips.

No matter what your goal or change is, if you pay attention closely, you will notice there are other areas that you sabotage as well. For example, if you eat to find comfort, you may also notice you have a lot of drama in your life that needs emotional comforting. Before you can stop the drama in your life, you will need to understand prior to eating what you are feeling. Ask yourself what the feeling of pain is that you are trying to fill. You may find past feelings of loneliness, abandonment or neglect. Slow down. Moving too fast with our thoughts and expectations causes us to fall off track. This happens in dating, in teaching our children, and in expecting our partner to change after years of marriage. Going slowly gives us the advantage of understanding why we sabotage our plans so we can fix them as they occur. If you are planning on losing weight, removing toxic friends from your life or improving your marriage, allow at least six months to see improvements. Slowing down also helps us use more of our brain capacity. Forgive yourself and others for your past excuses, mistakes and selfishness. Your brain is so much more useful when you live in the now. Most of the negative patterns people continually fall into are due to their inability to live in the now and make the necessary changes at this time and this moment.

Old patterns are difficult to break, and no matter what negative pattern you are trying to extinguish, you will fall off track once in a while. This is to be expected, and rather than going back and shaming yourself, try to catch yourself and ask yourself what good this food, relationship, or whatever old pattern you are trying to break free from will do for you. Rather than indulging in the old pattern, try breathing through the moment or distract yourself with exercise, calling a friend, or getting away from the situation you are in. Being proactive at times of weakness helps you accomplish your goal leading to increased confidence that you are breaking free of your old rut.

When you change your thoughts, you change your life, your children's lives, and the lives of every person who you connect with.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

Miley Cyrus, Twerking & Success #GuestPost

Girls, Success Does not Depend
Upon Twerking

  by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Miley Cyrus had us all talking after the MTV-VMA Awards, but the talk wasn't positive. A woman who had grown up influencing girls with Hannah Montana and Disney doesn't naturally choose twerking unless she has run out of artistic options or is rebelling against the crowd that helped make her a childhood legend. I am over the story of Miley, but unfortunately moms, girls and young women are not. Young people feel as though Miley was like them, and if Miley is desperate for fame, what will they resort to? Things such as selfies in inappropriate places, body parts texted to boyfriends, and other risky behavior further damages young women's self-esteem, self-respect, and body image. We talk frequently about the bad things happening to women and young girls, but focusing on the things that set successful women apart from those sinking into desperation should be studied as well. In fact, there are so many qualities that successful women exhibit in that sets them apart, I decided to remind parents and girls once again. If you can adapt these qualities and practice them each day, you will have the confidence to handle the success you earn. The key to being a successful woman is not dependent on your looks or your body, but rather how you feel about yourself, and strong beliefs in your abilities.

Here are a few general suggestions

Find a few things you are interested in and explore them. Be willing to take risks, but prepare for possible consequences. Take good care of your body with exercise and diet. Girls and women who are successful take time to schedule their own self care. Educate yourself and have a career goal and dream. Women and girls who succeed have parents who are on their team of success. Befriend women of all ages, careers and ethnicities. Choose wisely before you begin dating someone. Get a job, if not a paid one, then volunteer for an organization you are passionate about. Try to shadow someone in a career of interest. This will help you explore dimensions of the career you may not have thought about. Focus on what you want, instead of how you look compared to your friends. Your looks (although they seem important now) aren't as important to your ultimate happiness and success as is your drive to be successful.

Telling your daughters what not to do will not be as helpful as suggesting things they can do. Embracing these suggestions, and practicing them with your child, will put you in a position to be their number one mentor and on their team for success. Girls have to believe in themselves, and that is a lot easier to do when their parents believe in them too.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.